A Little Rock, a Lot of Damage

    First of all, if I didn’t feel the need to defend my character, my work, or my actions then I never would have said anything. I made it a point to smother any feelings of ill will and blame. I deflected criticism and offered true solutions. I sacrificed. I lost. I suffered. I was lied to. I was belittled. I was rebuffed. I was cast down. I took all of that but THEN I was trashed and my name was, and still is being pulled through the mud…and I’m sick of it.
   
    There’s really nothing worse than hearing lies about yourself. In order to justify them, a person may use the language “my perspective” or “the way I see it” which is the first clue that a lie has been birthed. So in order for everyone to understand, let me address those things first because key facts have been omitted.

I DID NOT LEAVE Little Rock A.M.E. Zion CHURCH WITHOUT NOTICE

   
    You may have heard that. I did. It’s kind of strange answering that charge because there was a 30 minute or so meeting after church and before a concert. During that meeting I said, “I’m not going to just leave. I will do this concert and then I’ll play next Sunday and I’ll be gone after that.” There was no confusion. I was asked to pray about it, but I usually talk to God and THEN say what my decision is. I guess it seemed powerful to not mention my resignation to the church. I remember when a good friend asked me, with tears in his/her eyes why he didn’t say anything. I said he did it that way so he could say he didn’t know and make me the bad guy.

WE GAVE HIM EVERYTHING HE ASKED FOR

 
    You may have heard that. I did. Sometimes people substitute similar words so as not to stray too far from the truth, but my reputation is sensitive to that. The words “everything” and “what” and “some of what” are NOT interchangeable so let’s break it down. In my last meeting I asked for 3 things. I asked for a minimum of $650. I asked for my music lesson program to be pushed. I also asked for the ability to actually have a program.
   
      a) I only asked for $650 because I was told that the church was in financial straits and couldn’t afford to pay me the $775 that was the actual salary. For 2 solid years my rate was somewhere around $575. I say somewhere around because at least 2 times the salary fluctuated without prior warning. When the salary got to $650, I was told that the church approved “my increase”. That’s a political statement. What the church did was get a third of the way closer to what THEY decided was an appropriate salary. That’s not a present to me. It still shorted me over $6000 a year. Mind you almost 200 people joined during my time there. Some people might say that the new people didn’t stay, but I never hear that when a report is read or when membership numbers are trumpeted. It’s all confusing because during my whole time there I had a staff member working at a rate of $750 when you include all Sundays they were responsible for. Go figure.

      b) I asked for my lesson program to be pushed so that I could generate the revenue I needed for LIFE. If I had been able to get 10 students I wouldn’t have been in such dire financial binds and it would have benefited the church, the kids, and myself. I prepared a short announcement to introduce the program and I was told…in these words, “I can’t let you make that announcement. That’s personal and if I let you say that then I have to let anyone else say what they want to”. Funny because I thought I was the Minister of Music and lifting the church up through lessons and deepening the understanding of music at the church, along with preparing kids for college is what I’m supposed to do. I had no idea that my position was no different than any other position-less person in attendance.
     
      c) I asked to have a program at the church. There are 2 concerts there every year. The format of those concerts was set in stone. Each choir sang 2 songs. I asked to change that and I was told that was the Little Rock way. Those are not concerts. It definitely wasn’t my concert considering I was never even recognized for remarks….not one time. So I asked to be able to actually do a program that would reflect my ministry. I was never given a date. There was absolutely no follow up.
   
    In this instance, “everything” has been used in place of “some of what” to make one party look good and the other look evil. I don’t appreciate that one bit. I have worked too hard building a reputation to just sit back and allow it to be compromised in any way that doesn’t emanate from my actual deeds. What’s horrifying is to hear that I was given everything I asked for when that statement is based on quicksand and while the most important thing is left off the list. When I go to a church the first thing I’m looking for is a Pastor.
   
    I honestly believe I have been called by God to be one of His minstrels so imagine my surprise when I heard that I had “put a cloud over the Sanctuary Choir”. Imagine my surprise when I heard the preacher say, “If I had known that he wasn’t coming back I probably would have just told him not to come at all. I wouldn’t have allowed him to go out on a high note.” Wait…..WHAT???? I have NEVER approached my ministry that way. And EVERY time I enter in to worship musically, I give it my all. Whatever Sunday would have been my last would have been great and that’s because I, unlike some others, haven’t forgotten who I truly work for.
   
    That sounds bad right? Yes. It doesn’t feel good reading it, so imagine how it felt to live it. Think that’s bad? I’m not done.
   
    I was sent a job description that said things like funerals and extra services would mean extra pay. I wasn’t told that the description was incorrect until I had already played for 3 funerals. That means there were 2 free revivals, 2 free concerts, free funerals, free yearly programs, free speaking engagements, free background music, and free travel plus rehearsals and church services all while being shorted $10,000. In the month of May just before I left, there were the standard 4 church services and 3 rehearsals, but I was needed at 7 other events beyond that. The kitchen committee was nice enough to give me $75 for their luncheon, but that was it. I was told that I should get another job so I picked up music gigs, but then I was scolded when the schedules didn’t line up appropriately.
   
    What happens when you’re short $10,000? Let’s see… I totaled my car on the very first trip there. I was hit from behind on the interstate. No help. My heat pump went out in the middle of summer. No help. (I was able to get a free window unit from the a.c. program the church participated in. As Minister of Music at the flagship million dollar church, I was given a 5,000 btu unit to go in the 2600 sq. ft. home that I live in so I wouldn’t get a heat stroke and it was the most embarrassing moment of my professional career). The newer car that I got because the other one got totaled blew the engine. It was $6000. No help. I was told that the situation was going to be prayed about. My student loans went into collections. No help. Deep breath right here…….

MY 32 WEEK OLD DAUGHTER DIED IN THE WOMB AND WE HAD TO HAVE HER AND HAVE A FUNERAL FOR HER. NO HELP. NOT ONLY NO HELP BUT NO SHOW AT HER FUNERAL!!!!!

   
    I honestly don’t believe there are many musicians who would still be able to elevate a music ministry with all that going on. I did. I don’t believe many musicians would block out he negative and try to work on the spirituality of the choir. I did. I don’t believe musicians in my shoes would push for the choir to better financially support the pastor at appreciation time. I did. I don’t believe any Minister of Music would stand to be silenced during the election of officers for the choir in FRONT of the choir. I did. I don’t believe most musicians under that level of stress would still have the wherewithal to increase the skill level of the choir. I did. I don’t believe that musicians in those circumstances would still develop existing soloists and cultivate new ones. I did. I don’t believe that most musicians in that circumstance would still pull off songs in every genre of church music. I did. I don’t believe most musicians would take all of that and still find new vendors to service the instruments that were once used as tools of robbery to the tune of thousands of dollars. I did. I don’t think any musician would leave over $20000 on the table and still be vigilant about attendance and push others to do the same. I did.
   
    I will just pause right here. There is more that I could say. Any emails I may have sent regarding this situation were also sent to other people for witness. My address to the choir before I left and the address given to the choir after I left are still on an audio file in my phone. There are key people who I kept abreast of the situation as different things were happening. Don’t play with me. 
   
    For the record… I LOVED my time at Little Rock. I had a great group of truly dedicated musicians. I had the baddest choir in the city. I had the GREATEST directress in the ENTIRE world!! We actively ministered to the congregation and created the appropriate atmosphere for worship. We did the work of the Lord in that place. Just because it doesn’t last forever in no way gives anyone the right to tear down what was accomplished. It just doesn’t work like that. And as for me, I’m just not the type to go quietly into the night, especially not when you’re calling my name. They say that sticks and stones may break my bones but the truth about it is, a Little Rock can do a lot of damage.

TTAII

You Got A Booger

       First of all, have you ever noticed that we usually say “You got a booger” instead of “You have a booger”? That's pretty weird…. Maybe it's just me though. Secondly, there are only two types of people in the world. There are people who want to know they have a booger and those who don't think that they want to know that they have a booger. Why does that even matter? I'm very glad you asked…

      The discovery of a booger is in itself an ordeal. I don't know about you, but while trying to remove a booger, I always wonder how long it has been there, who saw it, and why didn't they tell me. Sometimes I think this one isn't that bad, other times I have used horrible words to describe just how I feel at the moment of discovery. Either way I hate to have them and in my mind it makes it worse when I've worn that booger around people who were close to me and they didn't tell me. Needless to say it's embarrassing and often times disgusting, but boogers are a part of life. You'll have to follow me right here because I have a big booger theory…not a theory about big boogers, but a big booger theory. 

      We, as citizens of the world, in our respective groups, and as members of larger communities do NOT want to know that we have boogers…or we think we don't want to know.

      I'm going to make this as short as possible and cover as many people as I can. You can continue this logic on your own after you understand how I do it and use the information for your own purposes. Please keep in mind that there will always be individuals who fall outside of these boundaries, but this isn't about individuals. Here we go…

      Black people do NOT want to know about the booger of blown opportunities. We'd rather try to get people to understand all of the reasons that led to us blowing opportunity than to recognize that blowing opportunity is just as detrimental as denying opportunity.

      White people do NOT want to know about the booger of destruction and oppression that has been waged on any culture they have come into contact with. They would rather focus on the ills of everyone else's society and culture than to look in a mirror.

      Gay people do NOT want to hear about the booger of impression. They would rather normalize the feminization of boys and masculine identifying of girls instead of actually looking at whether the immersion of our country into homosexual images is affecting impressionable kids.

      The Church does NOT want to hear about the booger of failure. The church would rather search for old glory days than to recognize that it failed as an institution of morality and interconnectivity among its parishioners by limiting God to feeling good and getting money.

      Republicans do NOT want to hear about the booger in the White House. They would rather justify, rationalize, and be blind to blatant lies, stupidity, and gut wrenching hypocrisy than to say we've gone too far in the wrong direction.

      Democrats do NOT want to hear about the booger of weakness. They would rather call attention to trivial matters than to be a worthy political opponents with a true agenda designed to actually galvanize their party.

      Of course we know the police don't want to hear about the booger of murderous racism, doctors don't want to know about the booger of greed, and America doesn't want to know about the booger of bullying. You should know that if you tell these different groups that they have a booger you'll be subject to smears, attacks, and mean looks but the truth about it is, I'd rather know about my booger so I can handle that.

Sign The Least

Grammar is soooo important. 

My journey to find a new church home was a tedious task. I went past and to all kinds of churches. I went to traditional services, contemporary services, exciting services, dead services, and everything in between. Before I started my search I was under the impression that it would be an easy fit. I figured I know God, churches surely know Him, so there's not really much else to it. I was WRONG!

As a visitor there were certain things that caught my eye....or turned my stomach...or didn't touch me in any way which was the worst of all. Sometimes the preacher was really good, but the choir just couldn't get me there. Other times the music was sent personally from God, but I couldn't tell who "called" the preacher or what he/she was exactly "called" to do. There are several other things that I looked for or missed, but I could go on and on about that forever.

One day I walked into a church that I knew was MY church. I was greeted, made to feel comfortable, the music was moving, and the preacher worked the Word like a master. I had no doubt that I had found my new church home. I went there for a month or so just to make sure I wasn't being tricked and once I felt like there was nothing fake about the church I took the step of joining.

It was all I could hope for! There was a large celebration because I joined and I filled out a few papers and was told what I needed to do. Stay faithful, pay a determined amount for assessments, learn all I could about the church and God, be involved, and go to the new members class. After a couple months I was sure that I found the right place for me.

At my second new members meeting something very interesting happened. We had discussed the role of the various elected boards of the church and we talked about a few of the ministries and then the facilitator asked, "Did you new people sign the least?" That hurt me because I really loathe the destruction of the English language. For me, it's a major turn off and makes me question how serious or how worthy a leader is of my follow. I held my peace and waited until the meeting was over to approach him.

I was a little bit nervous to question a leader since I was a new member, but I was reassured by his disposition and heartfelt desire to help me out. Here's our conversation.

"I'm really enjoying the church and I feel welcomed here. Thanks for accepting me with such open arms."

"You are more than welcome. As our membership grows, so does our ability to reach more people. Will you be telling anyone else about us?"

"I sure will! Other people need to come."

"Well what can I help you with because I know they are about ready to lock up for the night."

"Ummmmmmmm....."

"Go ahead son. It's ok to say what's on your heart."

"Well I was listening to everything tonight... at the end of the meeting you asked us if we had signed the least. My mom was an English teacher and that just kinda got under my skin. It also confused me because we had already joined and I didn't know exactly what kind of lease you were speaking of. I mean do we have another financial obligation or is this a spiritual lease that we are signing with God? I'm just a little confused."

He laughed and said, " I didn't misspeak."

"I'm lost. I'm completely lost."

"This is a great church. We have a beautiful structure, the people are happy, the choir is great, and the church is growing. There is a way that we do things here so listen carefully. At OUR church, we keep everybody happy by doing the least we can. Our ushers are happy because they do the least amount of work they can when it comes to making people comfortable. They'll greet you, but that's about it. Our choir is happy but that's because we don't demand that they come to practice, we let them do the least amount of practice to get by. Now they are blessed with good voices so why put the extra demand on them? The people are happy because we don't keep them here long and we don't ask them to do anything through the week. The least they can do is come on Sunday and that's good enough for us. Our officers are elected but they don't really have to do anything after that. They have meetings, but those are just times where they get together and chat a little. The amount of money that we ask the members for is just enough to pay all the bills. Our preacher?... oh he's happy because he does the least he can too. He doesn't have to visit or counsel or do revivals. He can just come on Sunday. You understand what I'm saying? The greatest part about our church is that we do the least. As a new member, I need you to buy in and go with the program. That's why I asked if the new members had signed the least. I didn't misspeak."

The truth about it is, if the least you could do was good enough for God, then He wouldn't have blessed you with the ability to do more.